Connecting Rainbow Families

Rainbow Families Executive Director Darren Vance

By Gary Hurtubise

Gay Parent Magazine last spoke with Darren in early 2019, where we learned of his involvement with the non-profit organization ‘Rainbow Families’, an organization with a humble beginning in the 1970’s as a group for previously-married gay dads from the DC area, to network and share resources.

With Darren at the helm as Executive Director for the past six years, Rainbow Families has expanded to serve not only the DC area, but Maryland, Virginia, and beyond as well. Its goal is to support, educate and connect LGBTQ+ families, parents, and prospective parents.

John Paul – Darren’s husband – works for the federal government, where he’s been for almost three decades.

John is a native of Hawaii; when the topic of the Maui fires from last summer came up, Darren reveals that the whole family got an all too close-up experience with the disaster that nearly wiped out the historic whaling town of Lahaina.

“Sadly, we were actually on Maui when the fires hit. What a horrible, horrible disaster. And nearly a year later, recovery is still crawling at a snail’s pace.”

Indeed, West-Maui Democratic Senator Angus McKelvey was quoted in Forbes in January as saying, “it’s going to take like 10 or 20 years with the way things are going for Lahaina to come back online.”

John and Darren adopted a baby boy from Guatemala in early 2006; today, Alex is 18 years old and finishing his sophomore year at a local community college. His plan is to transfer to the University of Maryland, where he’ll follow his interest in health care.

Alex has chosen not to have contact with his mother in Guatemala, though he has not ruled that out for the future. “We have encouraged it, actually,” Darren admits. “As his parents, we’d like him to make those biological connections when/if he wants to.”

“Our extended family has embraced Alex completely, since day one,” he adds.

Alex has also fit in extremely well with the Hawaii-side of the family; “he’s identified with the Hawaiian culture quite readily.”

Like his dads, Alex is gay, having come out to his parents several years before Darren’s 2019 Gay Parent Magazine profile. “Alex was out during high school,” Darren says. “He was extremely fortunate not to have any issues of bullying, etc. – in large part due to a solid group of friends.”

“It’s not lost on him – or us – how terrifying the landscape is for so many queer youth.”

As Alex was growing up, Darren and John held regular family chats with their child. “It was important for us to raise a socially aware, kind person.” These talks continue to this day, though Darren admits that, “with a strong, independent, almost-19-year-old son, I think these chats are perhaps more important for his parents!”

Regardless of who benefits most from them nowadays, Alex’s dad knows that the years of family discussions have molded a young man with a pragmatic understanding of the world he lives in, and what may come. “Alex is well aware that the future looks quite daunting, especially for queer people of color in his age group, including political strife, environmental matters, etc.”

Today, as they did during their first family profile, The Paul-Vance family reside in Charles County, Maryland, about 40 miles south of the DC area – where Rainbow Families is located.

Since we first learned about Darren and his work with Rainbow Families, the organization has doubled in both size and in the number of services it provides.

Darren modestly qualifies this by explaining, “we’re still a very small, grassroots organization with now three employees. This has been a real gift since I’d been doing everything myself for six years!”

Some highlights to the changes Darren has helped bring in include: coalition building, specifically around expanded partnerships with DEI-focused organizations (DEI = diversity, equity, inclusion); more support group offerings – going from three in 2018, to nine today; and the annual Labor Day camping weekend, which is a fast sell-out each year.

Our social media has done very well too,” Darren says. “When I came here in 2018, we had less than 1,000 followers. We now have 10,000. Gay parents clearly want and appreciate these resources.”

When the pandemic hit four years ago, Rainbow Families made the safe and smart choice to pivot everything to virtual, including making a rather swift decision to move their annual May family conference to a virtual one.

“I believe we were the first LGBTQ+ non-profit of our size to tackle that,” Darren says. “In fact, we did this for two years running – it was a learning experience for sure, however we wanted to provide these resources and connections that our community had come to expect. We pulled it off – but let’s just say I’m thrilled to have been back to an in-person conference!”

The 2024 Family Conference & Gathering was held at the National Cathedral School in Washington on May 18.

“National Cathedral was slated to be our host for 2018’s conference, Darren explains. Of course, given the abrupt change of direction caused by Covid, those plans fell through. “They’ve been wanting to host ever since, and we’re all thrilled. They have a gorgeous property too, perfect for our outdoor family fun zone. I just remain hopeful that Mother Nature works with us that day!”

Darren has pointed out that he and his staff have shaken up the format for this year’s conference.

“We had followed a somewhat similar program for our conferences dating back 20 years,” Darren explains. This year, instead of the typical 20-25 workshops, Darren has capped them at eight, all to be presented in the morning.

“After our lunch and resource fair, we’re having a family fun zone in the afternoon,” he goes on to say. “We have organizations like the National Symphony Orchestra, DC Cheer, programming for teens and tweens through COLAGE, DC Stonewall kickball, a drag story time, an ice cream truck, and a DJ with a dance party and more.”

Why the change to the 2024 conference line up? “We felt this year especially, with all the divisiveness, legislative and election concerns, etc., we needed some fun community building and connection – plus the ability to discuss our anger and fear at what some people are trying to do to strip our legal and safe rights to familyhood nationally.”

Also in this year’s conference is a special spot for Rainbow Families’ QPOCX group. A source of pride for Darren, this relatively new group’s acronym stands for Queer Parents of Color Connection; people have been meeting several times a year under this new banner.

Given the particularly stressful year that the nation has gone, and continues to go through, Darren and the planners of this year’s conference have incorporated yet another new element. “One thing I’m quite proud of, is we will be holding a candle lit moment of silence for those who have faced physical attacks, those who’ve lost their lives, etc.,” he says, “which is a first for a Rainbow Families gathering.”

Circling back to the recent social challenges being faced by so many these days, Darren is clear on his organization’s stance: “Rainbow Families’ policy is not to back down in fear, and for our community to stay informed and engaged.”

“There will be some discussion about person-hood, and what that could do to us in the DMV area. We have legal experts holding workshops including the Alabama ruling, which I imagine will be well attended.”

“We also have more non-binary and trans members (adults and kids), poly families, etc.,” Darren states. “It’s imperative we provide a home for ALL queer family members here. We continue to have resources for these folks, offering celebratory spaces, with competent resources.”

“The main thing for us this year is to have our community connect with one another, sharing their fears, their joys, their success stories… to feel less ‘othered’, and to just have some fun!”

Back home, during their ongoing family chats, fears about the future come up in conversation too.

“Yes, these are regular discussions at our dinner table. As parents, we’re concerned about the futures of our kids – particularly in our case, with a brown, queer teenager.”

“Their safety, and their rights and freedoms are indeed on the bullseye for extremists, sadly. We work diligently with Alex on empowerment, pride, self-awareness etc., but still worry about his, and others’, safety.”

“We do plan to retire in Hawaii at some point,” Darren reveals. “Hawaii seems a bit removed from some – though not all – of the drama over orientation and identity. For example, the Mahu people (akin to two spirit) were revered by King Kamehameha and were viewed by ancient Hawaiians as perfectly normal. Some of that remains today.”

“As a glass-half-full family we still believe that good will prevail… must prevail.”

For more information about Rainbow Families visit, rainbowfamilies.org.